TIME AND RELATIONSHIPS

An act of communication reveals a part of ourselves. The contents of what is being communicated are closely connected with relationships; this essential connection cannot be not ignored just as one cannot ignore the basic truth about communication: "It is impossible not to communicate".
The group of trainees was at this point of the course quite well defined; theory lessons had been held and and different educational activities had been experimented. The group had established clear codes for communication, rules which were becoming more and more explicit and patterns which defined the different moments of the training course.
At this point a seminar on "Time and Relationships" took place. It was held by a new teacher, Giovanni Salonia, whom the trainees had never met, but had heard about during the other lessons. This teacher started his seminar in a way which reminded the trainees of the consideration, attention and care paid by a teacher who works with children. He respected the group and gave them the chance of organizing the moments and the rhythm of the lesson.
"I'm trying to join your dance. What do you do when you go dancing and everybody has already started to dance?"
From this sentence onwards each person joined in, whenever she wanted and in her own way of verbalising. The metaphor provided examples, anecdotes and also ideas about what happens during a special moment such as a dance and what exists in everyday life. The contents of the seminar and the consequent reflections were brief, intense and moving. The following is a summary.

Relationships are closely connected with time. It is more useful to ask oneself what one's experience of time is than to ask oneself what time itself is. The concept of time can be learnt within a relationship. Just as children have a concept of time based on the presence or the absence of their mother, so adults recognize time as they meet other people. It is also true that we learn what a relationship is from time and in time. A relationship needs time and to become reciprocal it must find its own rhythm. This means that no-one must take on the other person's rhythm, but the encounter between two different rhythms leads to the creation of a dance.
Time is an essential aspect of educational processes: time for the group, for the child, for the adult. Time is also important for the child's independence; he needs an adult to be present, to go away from and to come back to when necessary. The adult does not decide when a child starts to walk or eat by himself, but it is time within the child himself which, under the adult's careful and patient guidance, will give the child his independence and make him start to walk or eat by himself. Children understand easily how time changes. If on a certain day the teacher is in a hurry and tries to make the child hurry up, the child understands that his own concept of time is being distorted and so he goes slowly, he takes his time trying to make the adult understand that his rhythm of life should be respected.
Our rhythm of life originates from our body (our breathing, the formation of our feelings, our heartbeat, our muscle tone, and our thoughts); paying attention to our body and our own life history will make it easier for us to consider time. The challenge within relationships comes from the encounter of two different rhythms, and by the need to look for a third rhythm which is different from the combination of the two initial rhythms.
To ask and identify "when" something happens helps to understand better how things work and why they happen; it is useless to say "this is positive, this is negative": it is better to know when something happens, in which moment and in which period of our life, in order to understand its meaning better.
One of the activities carried out with the trainees was to hold hands with their eyes shut. Then the teacher asked the participants to express what they felt, which hand they recognized, which they did not like, which they wanted to shake and which they did not want to hold any longer.
In this case the idea of "when" was not a far-off theoretical concept, but an experience for everbody.
Listening to one's own body, listening to children and following their stories are ways to take time, to be fully, deeply and clearly involved in the relationship. When one person's time dominates the other's or viceversa there can only be defeat because there is a winner and a loser. If, instead, the relationship is considered clearly, attentively and with trust, it will regulate itself and a common rhythm will be found. To live a relationship fully, one must leave time for pauses and silence. These pauses will allow us to discover again the profound nature of the encounter, to assimilate experiences and to express our creativity.
It is only in the completeness of a relationship that it is possible to recognize the right time for everything, even for separation.

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